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Cheers to 2019— My Hardest Year

Happy New Year Loves!

When I reflect on 2019, I regretfully admit 2019 was my toughest year yet. I felt like I met hell face to face in 2019. I didn’t know what broken felt like until I experienced the full effect of being broken and on the verge of losing everything I worked so hard for. I didn’t know what being low truly felt like until being low was my reality. I found myself in the greatest battles of my life and still, here I am. Still with breath in my body.

I know that there is a God, because there’s no way I would be able to still have sanity and happiness if there wasn’t. I know there is a God, because on my own, there’s no way my own human strength could have endured the drowning of life I’ve faced. My God, who I know Him as, Jesus Christ—my Savior.

One of my greatest forms of peace was that line right there…

“Who I know Him as.”

Often, we try to force Jesus onto others and get aggravated or frustrated when nonbelievers test our faith in Jesus. I know I used to get bothered that I couldn’t answer all nonbelievers questions about how real God is… but then, one night it hit me. I prayed a prayer and I remember addressing God as, “my Savior, King Jesus who I know You as.” I can’t convince the whole world of how great Jesus is, but I can confidently testify a million times that the name I’ve called on, Jesus, many times has saved me time after time. The man who I’ve called on in my darkest hours—Jesus, has shown up for me. When I didn’t know how to love myself and didn’t know who I was, that’s the Savior that gave me eternal happiness and faith that gave me hope.

The savior I know him as, Jesus—is the one that gave me healing when I looked for it from the world but the world couldn’t give it to me. 6 years ago, When I tried Jesus wholeheartedly, my life changed. Peace and a wisdom out this world was what I found. So that’s who I know Him as.

The God who I pray to when I’m lost of words and internally wounded, is the one who has spiritually bandaged me and made me whole from a broken shattered mess. That’s who I know Him as because that’s what He’s been to me.

I’m unmeasurably undeserving of all the grace and favor God extends to me. In fact, in 2019, I feel I left God more than ever; but I’ve felt him even more than ever. Isn’t that strange? I left Him, but still felt His presence more than ever. I was so consumed in my pain and hardships that my eyes detoured from Him. But truth is, His eyes and spirit never left me despite of me. My life that remains and my blessings are proof of it.

So cheers to 2019, though it was my hardest year yet, once again, Jesus, who I know Him as, showed me once again, just how He truly changed my life and how I would be so far off without Him.

Don’t say you hated a year, reflect and soak in the power that came from that pain.

Welcome 2020, 2019 prepared me for you.

Most of all, cheers to another year of watching God show up and perform only what He can do.

-Padriana Grace

JesusChristChangedMyLife because when I’m drowning, He never fully lets me drown.

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