“I’m feeling really mad at God. I don’t even want to pray. I’m so mad at Him that I want to sin consciously. I’m so mad that I want to do all the things that satisfies my flesh because I feel God hasn’t been satisfying me. I know I’m mad at God because in my mind I’m making up several excuses for why sinning is okay. Things that when I’m spiritually full, I can quickly recognize I need to stay away from. But I’m clinging and yearning to do all the things that I know aren’t pleasing to God because I’m under the worlds influence rather than God’s because I’m mad at Him. I’ve been distancing myself from Him. I’m mad at God for not coming to my rescue when I felt betrayed and attacked by my own family. I’m mad at God because I’m feeling lonely and yearning for companionship but He won’t give it to me. I don’t want to have sex again until marriage but it gets lonely. It’s hard, I want to please God and wait but I have all these sexual desires that are swelling up inside of me and I want to release them to my husband and only him but I can’t because God won’t give me my husband. Let alone, show me who he is. Just like Adam felt empty without Eve, God I want someone here to hold me when I feel under attack by family, friends and the cuts of this world. I’m mad because I’m starting to wonder what if God doesn’t even have a husband for me and wants me to be alone? I’m mad because I see so many of my friends and other people casually having premarital sex and still appearing happy without reaping any consequences the way I do. But God, You won’t let me have casual sex or better yet even be held and that’s all I really want, is to be held.”
I wrote these words right in the midst of feeling broken and out of strength. My faith was dangling and I didn’t even want to pick it up. But isn’t it just like God, to still save me from myself even when my flesh didn’t want saving?
I wanted to act out, fulfill my voids, and heal my open wounds myself but even then, God still wouldn’t let me. Out of His love, God wouldn’t allow me to lay down and give my body away again even though I wanted to. It was so easy to do and just a phone call away but God wouldn’t let me. If I could describe what raw love looks like, it would be this. I didn’t even deserve saving, let alone wanted saving, and God kept giving it to me anyways.
I knew it was God saving me because every time I would “give in” to text this guy to come over to my place, God would always intercede. It was no coincidence that when I would text the guy, something repeatedly got in the way from him coming over. Or when he’d text me, it just so happened that I’d always be sleep, miss his call, or some other interference. All these savings were God in disguise. Too often we misconstrue moments of God saving us with coincidences. If things repeatedly keep occurring or interfering, stop excusing them as coincidences and start thanking God for saving you. Repetitive actions or “gut feelings” are not coincidences, these are God giving you signs.
Even in complete desperation, when I had just wanted to give into my flesh, deep down God was still my backbone. God kept interceding because my desire to please Him still outweighed my desires to please my flesh. Here’s how: because in the midst of my mess, my flesh cried out to be touched, stroked, and embraced but prior before being in my mess, when my emotions were in tact, I prayed to God for strength and coverage from my own flesh when future temptation struck. He heard those prayers when I cried out for saving and strength and He was revealing that He heard those prayers by not allowing me to indulge in my flesh even when I thought I wanted my flesh to win.
He heard those prayers and He stood His ground and saved me from myself because I had previously asked Him to. That’s God for you. He remembers our deepest prayers even when we try to take them back. When God promises us His help, He means it and He will see you through it. This can frustrate us when all we want to do is satisfy ourselves because we feel God isn’t, but He’s always working and saving us from our own selves when you ask Him once. All it takes is one time for you to ask God and He receives it.
I thought I just wanted to have sex to numb the pain, but I thank God for holding me accountable to my previous prayer requests. Turning to anything without turning to God first only sedates our pain momentarily, we need supernatural healing not sedation. I learned this from turning to men for love and healing, it was only a mater of time before the sex and lust weaned off and I’d look over myself and my emotional state and realize, I was still in a mess.
Once sedation wears off its not long until we’re back feeling empty, lost, and tempted to run back to sin. Sin sedates us, But God has a way of curing us, if we let Him. If we ask God to help us subdue temptation, we have to be ready for temptation to strike.
Temptation sneaks in in the middle of chaos. When our lives feel like chaos, when we’re feeling insecure, or when we are hurting, we seek instant healing. Caution: healing is never instant. Instant healing looks a lot like temptation. Temptation is a gateway that provides a temporary fix. Isn’t it ironic how temptation and temporary both have the same beginning? They are both temporary fixes linked with temporary illusions. Premarital sex, drugs, substance abuse, alcoholism, unhealthy relationships, excessive spending, pornography, habitual masturbation, gambling, addiction, even the temptation to give up on God, all of these gateways are temporary fixes that appear appetizing when pain or emptiness strikes us. It is so important that even in good times and when our lives are in tact, that we pray in advance for saving because that’s what will keep us from destroying our selves even when our flesh tries to confuse us and manipulate our minds into thinking we are ready to give up.
Jesus Christ Changed My Life because He saves me from myself.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” -Philippians 4:1