I’ve missed y’all so much. I blame Georgia for getting me hooked to the word “y’all.” Every time I type the word “y’all”, a part of me wrestles with am I being too informal? Am I being a fake southerner? Since I’m technically not from the south haha. Honestly though, I’m from like everywhere and have multiple cultures embedded within me (that’s another story for another day).

I’m Back-Mask Off

But, now that I’m officially back writing an official blog post—I know it’s been literally over a year since I’ve written an actual blog post outside of the monthly Bible challenges, but, while being gone—I’ve been inspired to just write raw. Yes, my blogs have always been raw and truthful but they were filtered. I carefully dissected my choice of words. I wanted my writing to feel polished. I still do, but, I’m now at a point where I just want them to be me—100% me, and not a filtered version that’s politically correct or in this category—religiously correct. 

I’ve made it my goal this year to be the person and writer I feel the world doesn’t have. As a Christian, (btw, I really hate titles, because titles sometimes give this illusion that you’re more than you really are—I’m just a girl who has fallen so much and experienced rejection early on in my life—that I’ve come to recognize I can only endure with God.) Back to what I was saying, as a Christian, I feel we filter our conversations with the ‘saints’ to ensure we stay within sanctified grounds. I feel like I’ve been searching for a christian writer that isn’t masked. Then, in this moment, it was like BOOM— so stop searching for her and be her. So, here I am—unmasked. As a believer, I will always stand on the Bible and base my values on the Bible, but I will not be one of those Christians who acts “holier than thou”.

On my own, I’m unworthy, a sinner even, and fall short of His glory daily. I’ve had sex before marriage, I’ve had seasons in my life where I even felt living in sin was more fun. But, it’s not. It’s exhausting. It feels like a never ending cycle. It feels good for a little while and then you find yourself stuck, lifeless, and in need of the Savior. 

Now, let’s dive into the tea!

Word of the Week Year: BRAVERY

My word of the week during the first week of January, was bravery; and I think bravery may just be my word of the year. In my (The JCCML) planner, every week on the weekly outline pages, there’s a spot to write a word of the week. Now, for me I personally choose a word that reflects my current emotion or struggle for that week. I chose the word bravery because I was committing to being brave that particular week and facing a fear that I had been cradling for far too long—booking my annual exam with my OBGYN.

I’ve had this major fear of STD testing since my former partner. Let’s just say, the relationship lacked fundamental components that foster trust. This lack caused me to have severe anxiety about my STD status.

I hate that it seems like the Christian side of the world lacks sharing this topic, it almost just seems forbidden to talk about. Nah, I won’t even single it out to the Christian/Religious corner of the world, mainstream media and the world doesn’t talk about STD’s enough. Yet, it seems sex is glorified. We see casual sex in movies, on social media, and in our own lives as a normal part of relationships. What we don’t see as often is the consequence of sexually transmitted diseases. We often see the night of fun but then the script leaves out the following trip to the clinic accompanied with an STD diagnosis, as if std’s just rarely happen.

My past relationship caused me to develop extreme anxiety about STD’s and STD testing. This anxiety was a compound anxiety rooted from two factors: from living wrong no matter how I tried to dress it up with the fact that I was in love. Or so, I thought. Now, I realize I stayed in that relationship for so long because of a trauma bond. And the second compound: being that I was scared of finding out the truth. I feared having to sit with the results, which would ultimately be results of my prolonged choices. Choices that I knew deep down I needed to stop choosing.

It was the fact that I knew better and wasn’t choosing to stop doing it. I was scared of finding out if I had an STD, how would I go on? Was I strong enough to accept it? Was I wise enough to hold myself accountable to results that I played a part in? Then, I had questions that seem really ridiculous to even care about in comparison to something so serious as STD’s. One of my ridiculous questions consisted of wondering: who would want me? I say it’s ridiculous to wonder this because why was so I so concerned with who would want me more than why I didn’t just stop living a life that left me in fear for my health?

But then, as I’m writing this, I answered my own question. I’m a lot of women. A lot of women have this same fear and live a life making choices they know they are better then. We’ll circle back to this.

The “Appointment “

Yes, I know y’all want to know. So, how did the doctor visit go? At the beginning of January, I decided—what better time than the New Year and the first of the month to start new beginnings? I booked the appointment. Even as I called the OBGYN office, my hands shook.

My voice on the other end probably sounded like I was use to this. I spoke confidently over the phone. “Yes, I would like to book my annual check up.” I tried to say it as casual as I could. I know the woman on the other end of the phone, probably thought this phone call was routine for me and her. Routine for her, as it was her job as an OBGYN receptionist to book these type of appointments. She responded, “OK, so, a PAP Smear, would you like me to add anything else?” As she asked this, I couldn’t help but remember how much I hate that clamp inside me,

the thought of what was coming, scared me again. But I proceeded, choosing bravery again, “Yes, and STD testing” I added.

“Okay, we’ve got you down, what day and time works for you?”

So, from there, I officially booked my appointment with shaky & sweaty hands.

Though, I have a professional, confident, and a teacher voice, as my mom often describes— I was mortified and dreaded the upcoming two weeks when I’d have listen to my doctor directing me to “scoot down closer” with my legs apart

as I had to tell her my past sexual history up to this point and watch her type my responses, and maybe even judge me. More than anything, I was more scared of what came after the appointment.

I’m not new to this rodeo. I’ve done the testing part, Pap smears, breast exams—it’s the following days when you screen every phone call and voicemail praying it’s not your doctor with dreadful results.

My fear of results comes from being told I was indeed positive for an STD before.

I told you, this time around, no more being filtered. Part of coming back to my blog and writing again includes a slightly different process for me. This process currently includes: asking God to lead me in parts of my story to share with the world, while also guiding me in reserving parts, that I can keep sacred for me, and whoever I feel led to share with.

I consider my writings expressions of art, and in the words of Erykah Badu: “I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my ____!” (if you know, you know!)

STD’s Don’t Discriminate

With that being said, being truthful to admit I’ve had an STD before is something God’s given me the bravery to share here.

I admit to experiencing a past STD to signify that STD’s don’t discriminate. No one is above contracting an STD.  So, before you judge me or anyone who does contract something, remove the speck from your own eye and receive that it could also be you.

Being told I’ve contracted an STD was one of the darkest news I’ve received. My world kind of just went numb for a moment.

Then, I started replaying it in my head over and over. I started wishing I were more careful. Wishing I just stayed away from sex all together. I started feeling ashamed and dirty.

In the midst of all my circle of emotions, I went to pick up my antibiotics to treat the infection. I thank God it was something that could be cured; but it still shook me and left me with PTSD, hence why I was so scared for my most recent appointment. The thought of having to go through an unfortunate diagnoses again left me scarred.

So, if I was so scared of catching something again, why did I keep having sex? Especially with someone who had previously gave me an STD?  Ha, it sounds so easy being the questioner until you’re the one being questioned. Why do all of us keep going back to things that God’s grace saved us from? Flesh. The flesh is weak.

In addition to the flesh, I believe our own personal wounds, past, and insecurities, are triggers that keep us running back to what we are used to—this is bondage.

For a while, my past felt like all I was worthy of.

I will never again judge a situation I know nothing about or a lot about. The older I’m becoming, the more I realize, any of us can find ourselves in the very situations we sworn “could never be me”.

I can’t judge the woman who stays in a relationship that reeks red flags and toxicity because I’ve been her. Even though I appear to be such a smart and God fearing woman—I am that, and a sinner.

I can’t judge the woman who got pregnant outside of wedlock, I can’t judge the woman who’s addicted to drugs, I can’t judge the woman who’s been abused or has been the abuser. I can’t judge anyone. We are all doing things we once thought we never would. Sure, maybe I haven’t done all those things I mentioned above, but we are all guilty to sin. My sin may just look different than yours, but its sin. 

We often don’t stop our sin until we’ve been caught or can’t take anymore pain. It’s like God saves us, then, as a couple of weeks go by, we find ourselves in the same predicament we prayed to be saved from. If we are being honest, this is taking advantage of God’s grace. No matter how we try to convince ourselves we would never play in God’s face, that’s exactly what it is. 

In 2023, I had finally decided to depend on God’s strength to walk away from my past relationship. Emphasis on the words, finally decided. I say the words “finally decided” because God’s strength for me to partake in was always there, I just had to choose it. That’s God for us. His path which comes with protection is always there, it’s up to us to decide if we want it. And saying we want it, is not enough to have it—we have to actively choose it.

So, in 2023, I had finally decided I no longer wanted to keep taking God’s grace for granted. I knew if I didn’t stop having sex with my ex, it was a matter of time before I could find myself in a situation that was permanent. I also knew that if I had dreams of being a wife clothed in peace and dignity, then, I needed to stop choosing decisions that resulted in the opposite. This goes back to 2023, when I finally started making choices that matched my prayers to God. I left the relationship and haven’t went back since. I’ve been abstinent since November of 2023. Let me tell you, my life has now been a reflection of my new choices. I now have peace.

Pick Your Battles

Yes, I still have problems that come up because life will always have something. But, if we are being real, I would rather have the problems I have now than the problems I had. The saying—“pick your battles” is true. Life will always have problems; but there are certain problems I’d rather not have if its in my control. Gambling my health, fearing if I caught an STD, wondering if I’m being cheated on, and battling unending anxiety, are problems I have some control over. Those are problems I don’t want. Therefor, I had to make choices that no longer allowed them be my problems. 

Face Your Fears or Your Fears Will Face You

Though I was still nervous about this recent appointment because I didn’t know what I’d find out since the last time I was sexually active, I still went through with finding out. Not from my own strength, that was all God’s strength that led me to book that appointment and actually follow through with it. Because, I truly was ready to run out of that exam room and almost did. While waiting for my doctor to come in, I literally had started putting my clothes back on, just when my doctor finally came in to begin. She literally walked in on me BUTT naked in the middle of me trying to put back on my clothes, with the aims of making a run for it! LOL true story. But she calmed me down, and I chose bravery again and proceeded.

I think Pap Smears and STD testing will always be awful and uncomfortable— but I did it. And to me, this is what the process of healing can sometimes look like— choosing to face our fears even while doing it scared.

I was constantly checking my email and screening my calls days after, as I anticipated my results.

I’ll Say it Again… Pick Your Battles

I will say this, although I was nervous from my prior experiences, deep down, I felt slightly more assured as I waited for my results this time. This assurance came from choosing new choices. I stopped playing in God’s face. I stopped partnering with choices that left my mind unsteady. I had a clean conscious because I knew I was no longer betraying my body by having sex with someone who put me at risk. More-so, I stopped dancing with my sin.

Leaving my ex and choosing abstinence was not easy. There were times I felt alone, wanted to be held, and craved intimacy. But what stopped me from going back, was the days I fought so hard to stay away. Each day that passed granted me peace that outweighed the loneliness. I was no longer worried about if I had caught something, I wasn’t battling with conviction from premarital sex, and I certainly was no longer worried about who he was with or what he was doing.

The more days I experienced without these concerns, became what I desired to keep more than anything.

Did I miss the sex? Absolutely.

But not the relationship nor the consequences of it.

SEX, SEX, SEX

Remember when I said I feel Christian writers can often be filtered? Well, I also said that’s what I don’t want to be anymore.

I want to honor God and teach from the Bible. I also want to be real about my mess ups.

I love sex.

I think when God designed it, He made it beautiful and we’ve made it corrupted.

I believe sex is sacred and should be reserved as such. I had to learn that the hard way.

I think sex is deemed as a “hush hush” conversation in the church outside of marriage. Sex seems as if it’s not to be discussed if you aren’t married; and if you do mess up and have sex before marriage, it is not to be discussed. But the truth is, I believe sex should be taught as a beautiful form of connection. I believe it should be taught more openly as something positive to look forward to for marriage. I believe sex was indeed designed for marriage and marriage only—period. The Bible clearly states this in the word.

For me, engaging in premarital sex and reaping the consequences of sexual immorality outside of wedlock, was my eye opener to understanding why the Bible teaches to reserve sex for marriage. Experiencing the dangers of premarital sex and sexual immortality for myself, is why I’ve chosen abstinence from intercourse until marriage. However, this topic is a whole another blog post in itself, I can’t go into all my thoughts in this post, but we will certainly revisit this topic.

But before I leave this topic, let me tell you this, I don’t care how good the sex is, no man’s penis is worth going to hell for.

Whether that’s in literal terms—living through hell on earth, or, in spiritual terms, your soul going to hell—no penis is worth that sacrifice.

Letting Go

It took being broken over and over until I was finally ready to put in the work to heal and let go. As the days went by without returning to old choices, my days came with new results: peace, joy, and blessings.

I don’t have all the answers and I’m learning day by day; the only thing I can boast about is leaning on Jesus’s strength saved me. I’m weak on my own. To finally let go of a five year relationship that at one point, I couldn’t seem to let go of for the life of me, was a matter of me crying out to God for mercy. I listened to the Holy Spirit warning me that it was surely a matter of time before I’d destroy myself if I didn’t let go.

God also put my dreams heavy on my heart during this time. It was as if God literally put my dreams right in front of my face. They felt so close. But, attaining them was a matter of me choosing them and letting go of the life that kept me from entering my dreams.

I think God put my dreams at the forefront of my mind so that I would use it as a source of strength to fight for them. My dream of a healthy relationship that would eventually transpire into marriage, and my dream of just a life filled with peace– God spoke to me clearly and told me that He would grant me the desires of my heart, in exchange for my past, but He couldn’t give me both.

I could feel God guiding that if I stayed on His path and not go back to what I was use to, He had my dreams right behind Him.

This picture below, is literally an illustration of how I imagine God and I, in that moment.

The gifts God has been giving me in exchange for what I was carrying, was 100% worth surrendering.

But I had to let go of what I was used to in order to receive what I’d never had before. I can testify the picture above is true. What God had behind his back for me in exchange for what I was carrying, has been so much more grand.

My life now, has so much peace and blessings. I currently am in a relationship that I only thought was possible in my dreams. I could literally feel deep down in my soul that God had a person He created just for me that was awaiting. I met him the following year after walking in God’s path over my own. This relationship feels right. It feels blessed, it feels right in the eyes of God. Not only did God grant me the relationship of my dreams, it seems everything else in my life started falling together. My boundaries, my self esteem, my self worth, my relationship with God, my finances, my peace, and my discernment–all these areas straightened as well. 

I truly believe when we are tied to relationships or situations that don’t honor God, our discernment is weakened. I truly feel that I lacked hearing from God the longer I partnered with anything over Him. I lacked inspiration to write, to pray, to create, to even be close to God.

If you’re like me or find yourself in a similar situation, please know, you are not alone. You are not dirty or shameful for staying in a situation you knew was long expired. But you do deserve  peace of mind and no one can give you that except you. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve the life you dream of even if you feel undeserving.

No matter how long you’ve been in your messy situation, today is a new day. The next minute is a new minute. When you decide the life you’ve been living is not enough, you have every right to change the script.

Even if your STD results have been positive, or you’ve had a child outside of wedlock, or you’ve been living in sin for so long, that you feel too far gone, doesn’t mean that life is all you have to stick to.

 Although this topic isn’t discussed enough, STD’s, strongholds, mental health, and physical health, is something only you can take care of. If you are scared to make the appointment, I pray you choose bravery over the unknown.

Stay on top of your health and know that God has a track history of using messy people with unfortunate circumstances and turning them into glory. Moses was a murderer who God used to lead the Israelites out of slavery(-the book of Exodus) Samson was a womanizer who became prideful and turned his back on God. He repented and God heard his cry and allowed him to defeat his enemies before he died. (-Judges 16:1-31) Rahab, was a prostitute, who later was rewarded for her faith and courage, as she risked her own life to save God’s people and became an ancestor of Jesus. (Joshua 2:1-24)

Bravery > Fear

God is the master of turning gloom into glory.

Book the appointment, walk away from anything that doesn’t serve God, let His presence be your guide. Let His presence lead you. Let His presence go before you. Let the life you dream of, come alive. The sacrifice of whatever you let go of in honor to God, will always be worth the surrender.

You are worthy. 
You are worthy of redemption even if you knew better. 
You are worthy even if you feel a mess. 
You are worthy even if you had a child out of wedlock.
You are worthy even if you’ve messed up over and over.
You are worthy even if you knew better and didn’t choose better. Today is a new day.
You are worthy even if you played a part in your consequences. 
You are worthy of grace the minute you bow to God and repent. 
You are worthy even in messy circumstances. 
You are worthy even if you feel unworthy. 
You are worthy even if you you’ve been told you are aren’t. 
You are worthy even if your STD results are positive. 
You are worthy to be who God called you to be, and God doesn’t create anything to be worthless.
Your past doesn’t define your final destination. 
Where you are going is not where you’ve been. 
What you’ve been through can be used for good.
The pain you’ve experienced may be how you reach others. 
If God gave you the dream, you are worthy of having it. 
If God has allowed you to picture it, what makes you think He won’t let you live it? 
If you glorify God with what you have, He will see you though.

And before you think, ‘okay Padriana, I hear you, you say I’m worthy, but you don’t know all I’ve done, I’m too far gone, I’m too messy‘

I want to leave you with two of my favorite scriptures:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.“

-1 Corinthians 10:13

This scripture, literally affirms that, whatever you’re facing, or even did, there is nothing God hasn’t seen and can’t help you through.

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

-1 John 1:7

 “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.“

-1 John 1:8-9

I’m rooting for you, friend. Keep going. Until next time.